Source: Vietnam News

Forgive me for this "It was a Dark and Stormy Night" contribution, but temperatures were real low and the wind was howling and rain was approaching…

While some of my loyal readers might get the feeling that I am about to launch the most unbelievable barrage of excuses to hit the newspapers since Bush screamed WMD’s, do you honestly think I would do such a thing to justify my pitiful performance in the Pro-Am?

You bet I would!

Granted, my allergy to practice does allow me the benefit of spending so much time in the trees that I discover new species of fauna, but I cannot blame myself solely for the way I played. Nope, I got a few good excuses ready, waiting and just dying to be used.

The course that day was playing exactly as a professional-level tournament course should play…long and tough. Lars Holden, being a sadist and having absolutely no respect for the elderly pros, such as yours truly, set the local pros on the Back tees. These tees are so far removed from civilization we needed llamas to get there and, naturally, they were all strategically placed on the top of mountains. Just what an arthritic old pro needs to complete his day and I swear I saw something that resembled an ancient Ark. Hey Lars, ever consider installing chair lifts or something?

Normally, I hit an 8-iron from 160 yards, but the wind gusts forced me at times to hit a 4-iron from the same distance. At one point I had to aim for a different fairway just so the wind could bring the ball back into play. Unbelievable.

My caddie was pleasant enough, just couldn’t read greens or distances. Ok, to be fair, its easy for me to misunderstand "two ball left" as "one clubhouse right". Also, to be fair, all the normal distance markings were removed for the APGA event and they substituted colour-coded hieroglyphics which would confuse anyone.

Hmm, burning red buffalo dancing around yellow fire plus two spears obviously means 100 metres to the front of the green…

Trying to be helpful, Richie – our tour pro partner – whipped out his official APGA Carlsberg Masters yardage book and informed me "117 metres to the front, plus the pin is 16.72 metres in on the left. Wind is northwest at 73.92 miles per hour and humidity 69 per cent. Use the wedge and generate about 2200 rpm at a launch angle of 49 degrees, but try to keep it below 42 degrees for the first 70 metres and let it rise to a maximum of 52 degrees at the apex. Aim at a spot 18.91 metres and let it suck back at about three mph…"

Uh huh. Sure, piece of cake.

The roughs were savage. Obviously, Lars had been watching old US Open videos and cackling with glee in the wee hours of the morning because the darn stuff was over 4-inches thick. One player put down his beer can and it disappeared. Short caddies are in danger of being declared MIA here.

The greens held the shots well and were moderately quick compared to other courses in the area, but are guaranteed to speed-up during the actual event which should make things very interesting. If there’s no rain scores should balloon a bit.

All in all, it reminded me of tour courses I played during my younger days and also reminds me why I sit at a desk now. The kids out there all have "game" and should do very well on this challenging tract, whereas old geezers like me dream about the Senior Tour because courses are shorter and buggies are allowed.

It should be a good event and if you have time drop by and watch how golf is supposed to be played by some potential future tour stars.

And if you find any Pro V1’s with three black dots in horrible locations, they’re mine…just drop them at the Vietnam News office on the way home.